i wonder how many lives our presence has ruined?

i can blame the mother. she brought kids into this world, this fucked up world, and made it so much worse for us. she brought chaos into our household, she brought abuse and neglect and everything because of her own issues. she treated us like little adults who could take care of themselves, she cared only about herself. she lashed out at people too young to defend themselves. she hurt us beyond recognition.

i can blame the father. he tried his best in the beginning but then let us go to someone who hurt us. he knew intuitively that we were being hurt but he couldn't grow a spine, or get up off the couch. he couldn't do anything. he couldn't do anything until it was too late. he now refuses to take any responsibility in the situation and will likely die without much guilt.

but i can't help but think this is all our fault, all my fault. when i look in the mirror, i know it's really us to blame. all i see is this mangled reflection of broken hopes and dreams, a reflection of what could have been. i want to smash mirrors sometimes, i want to cut my knuckles open like we've only done once before and i want to see them battered and bruised just for the sake of it. but that's not going to take away everything we've done to others and everything we've done to ourselves.

how much are we like the mother and father? lashing out and letting our dysfunctions hurt and ruin the lives of people who aren't already dysfunctional. how many lives has our presence ruined? how many people were normal and fine until we came into their lives and caused the same whirlwind of storm and chaos that was brought upon us as a child? how do we learn to be more patient, more kind, and less willing to lash out at others? when do we learn to cut off the cycle and stop perpetuating this?

for most of us, the answer is never. when you look at the twists and turns of fate, you see that we will only keep pouring poison and acid on everything that we touch, corroding it down to the bone. maybe they can heal themselves afterwards. but they're always left with a chemical burn and the knowledge that we hurt them.

i just worry that we're in the same cycle with elias' system. they're not fragile like the others, but that doesn't mean we aren't poisoning them with our very presence. i am not sure. all i can hope is that when i meet my makers and they tally up the list of things that we've done to help and hurt people, the former side is better balanced. all i can hope is that our virtues outweigh our sins and whenever we are reborn, we are reborn into a life that isn't fated to hold so much pain and burden.

the struggles of this life will likely wipe away the possible struggles of the next so long as we do our best and continue with humility. still, it is tempting to end this one early and wipe the slate clean before any other negative things can happen.

however we'll keep existing, we'll keep surviving. that's all we know how to do. that's all we ever knew how to do. sometimes, i wish it wasn't.