tw: suicide. comments fully welcome but fully not necessary if you don't know what to say. this is a tough topic. i'm mostly venting. 

my husband almost died of a suicide attempt in february. he was in the ICU for a week. i was told on the first night that we wouldn't know if he would make it until the next morning. i was also told if i had taken him in even an hour later, there would have been nothing they could have done.

it was the worst night of my life. i kept it together by his side, but when i got into the car after they took him into the ICU, i couldn't stop crying. i don't think i've ever cried that hard in my life.

our lives are never going to be the same. he's already seeing health repercussions that will last a lifetime. not to mention the trauma it caused to myself and him. i'm very fortunate to have a good therapist who was open to a ton of texts and unpaid time to assist both of us through that time. but the trauma is lasting. i'm still struggling with it in therapy. i don't even know how to scratch the surface.

suicide jokes have kind of hit different since then. and not in a good way. i feel kind of like a grump or buzzkill, but i just can't handle it anymore. it's not cool or cute to joke about killing yourself. better to do it in company that won't be upset by it rather than the internet at large.