man. TMS has been rough. I know the first 2-3 weeks usually have the worst side effects and it’s normal to experience what I’m experiencing but since it’s so slow acting, the side effects are also slow to go away.

like several weeks in.. I’m having trouble thinking straight, having memory issues, insane fatigue etc which are all apparently side effects that I wasn’t really warned about before starting. which is fine but actually the depression is worse because of all the side effects, also just becoming worse I think before it gets better because of depression, trauma being shuffled up and etc.

I actually ditched an interview today just because it was giving me a weird trauma trigger reaction and I don’t know if I would have had that otherwise. then I feel guilty and like a piece of shit because I know I should be looking for work right now ugh.

at least it’s not a placebo effect I guess? I mean it’s definitely doing something to me for better or worse. I was a little afraid it would end up being a placebo. they had me take this long ass questionnaire today about the side effects and I’m just… yeah I don’t know.

also there are hobbies that require other people that I would like to be doing but I’d have to go find people to do it with me bc E and all my family and friends aren’t into those hobbies. and I just don’t have the energy to go meet new people right now.

on top of that all I might be starting Spravato soon (ideally) and I can’t even get the energy to contact the coordinator. e was supposed to be figuring it out for me but I don’t know if he’s had time to send over my release of information.

and of course the Starbucks next door to TMS that was my little treat afterwards, shut down this week! urgh… I’m just going to lie down forever now