man. TMS has been rough. I know the first 2-3 weeks usually have the worst side effects and it’s normal to experience what I’m experiencing but since it’s so slow acting, the side effects are also slow to go away.

like several weeks in.. I’m having trouble thinking straight, having memory issues, insane fatigue etc which are all apparently side effects that I wasn’t really warned about before starting. which is fine but actually the depression is worse because of all the side effects, also just becoming worse I think before it gets better because of depression, trauma being shuffled up and etc.

I actually ditched an interview today just because it was giving me a weird trauma trigger reaction and I don’t know if I would have had that otherwise. then I feel guilty and like a piece of shit because I know I should be looking for work right now ugh.

at least it’s not a placebo effect I guess? I mean it’s definitely doing something to me for better or worse. I was a little afraid it would end up being a placebo. they had me take this long ass questionnaire today about the side effects and I’m just… yeah I don’t know.

also there are hobbies that require other people that I would like to be doing but I’d have to go find people to do it with me bc E and all my family and friends aren’t into those hobbies. and I just don’t have the energy to go meet new people right now.

on top of that all I might be starting Spravato soon (ideally) and I can’t even get the energy to contact the coordinator. e was supposed to be figuring it out for me but I don’t know if he’s had time to send over my release of information.

and of course the Starbucks next door to TMS that was my little treat afterwards, shut down this week! urgh… I’m just going to lie down forever now

Hi all. I find myself mostly just tired lately. It’s hard to explain how fatigue inducing TMS has been for me. Really, it’s been the biggest negative side effect, which is hard to push through when there have been virtually no positive effects just yet. It’s three hours round trip every single day for six weeks (200 miles round trip), and I’ll tell you what… I would not be doing this unless I had absolutely no other alternative. Because right now, it is so exhausting. But what is the alternative? Not getting better?

It gets even more complicated when you realize that it’s making work awful too, or the lack thereof. There are no “normal” 9-5 jobs that are going to work around me needing to take half the business day off to go run to Dallas every single day. So, I have been looking into part-time/weekend/nights jobs. I got an interview at a grocery store for overnight stocking, but they took one look at me and how short and chubby I am and instantly decided I wasn’t right for the job. Which is awful. Like, they tried to say it was because I had “no overnight experience and no stocking experience.” You saw that on my resume. You just wanted to discriminate against my physical appearance. So pathetic.

I have another interview tomorrow, though I doubt it will go anywhere. It’s just for a job that is two Saturdays and four Sundays a month, just filling in for another person for a driving position. At this point, I’ll take just about anything. I even set up an appointment to sell plasma to help get us through and help pay for the copay and gas to get 200 miles every single day. I thought about doing Doordash today, but turns out, when I’m driving like that, I just want to get home and sit down in a chair and stop driving. I might do that a little bit later… not that Doordash is particularly worth it, honestly.

I’ve also been supplementing with Prolific. E says that I shouldn’t be so much worried about jobs and money right now and should just focus on getting better mentally. But how can I focus on getting better mentally when I know we are still negative every month? I don’t want us to have to start dipping into our super emergency. Right now, we have only been dipping into our “backup funds”, aka Elias' money, but we do have an actual emergency fund that I’d rather leave untouched if we can.

I’m probably going to try and transfer over all the posts from the other blog to this one today. But man, it’s going to be hard to look at them. I had such an “easy” life when I was a teenager, and seeing me whine about things like Gears of War versus what’s happening today is a little bit difficult… ahaha.

…or better yet, like trying to find a car during COVID???

I got told by five people last week that they had sold their machines to other people and that they had been swamped with DMs. one of those people was someone who hasn’t even posted publicly, it was just me being referred by someone who had sold their machine and had a coworker looking to sell! @_@

It’s been an actual nightmare trying to find something. I managed to find one, but jeez…

I also had a really good interview. we will see how that goes. I haven’t been having any trouble getting interviews, but I’ve been picky about where I’m applying so I’m getting less and less. which actually is a good thing because it’s been crazy overloading.

I’ll just paste what I wrote to E about the interview:

interview went really well. we ran out of time because both of us were talking a lot, that kind of how it ends up when you build rapport haha. the person i interviewed with is from a small town in western michigan, about 30 minutes north of where we were born and raised so we had that in common.

they actually are open to me being in either position (the customer service or the back office position), but they wanted to meet with me and talk to me about the realities of both positions.

they seem really nice and the work seems easy. they said they might need to schedule more time with me because there was supposed to be a mock call, but we didn’t get to it because we both were asking each other a lot of questions and speaking with each other a lot/connecting.

i think if they don’t give me an offer, it’s because they genuinely feel that my personality wouldn’t be a fit. I was very, very honest about our personality, in that I am the first ones to talk when there’s an awkward pause during meetings of 20 people and the facilitator says “any questions?” and I am the type that gives a lot of feedback when I am fully trained and have mastered everything.

The interviewer also was like “we don’t mind occasional attendance issues as long as you’re really honest, I can help you out more, I really appreciate honesty” so i put that in the back of my mind and when she asked how I stayed on task, I was like, “well, this might be too much information, but I used to be really bad with this because I had unmedicated ADHD. I’m medicated now, so it’s a lot easier, but I still have XYZ process to help me stay on task.” just showing her that I am very honest in general. I was like, for better or worse, I am honest.

she asked “what are some times that you being late has affected your job performance?” and I was like, I wish I could tell you, but this has genuinely never been an issue with me, aha.

it was a huge green flag that they seemed open about accepting feedback though, as I honestly told them that that was something that we struggled with at my last position, where i felt like my feedback was hitting a brick wall a lot of times. I also told them that I struggled with a position where I am alone a lot, so in all truth, the customer service oriented position might be better for me. it seems like their other team, the back office one, has a lot of people like at merit… super introverted people who don’t really want to interact, they just clock in, do their work, and clock out. whereas the customer service position has a lot more team camaraderie, people talk a lot more. the customer service position seems to have a bit more oversight, but that’s just because the manager is more extroverted so reaches out more.

the back office position seems also a lot more like merit because they have flexible hours, whereas the customer service one, you’re pretty much clocked in and then clocked out at the same time every day. I told them that I always clock in and clock out at the same time, I wasn’t really the type that utilized the flexibility of the position unless there was some sort of medical issue happening, and then I let my manager know. whereas I know some people will clock in and clock out at very different times at merit as long as they’re still within the window. we pretty much always have worked 10-6 without any variation.

also I tried to dictate this entry and talk about actual nightmare. Google’s Android keyboard is literally broken for voice dictation lol.

Dental interview tl;dr

• The dentist recognized me right away which is really funny. I must have some kind of way about me that people recognize me, because I haven’t been back in like a little over a year. The front desk lady said that I have a really positive vibe and seem fun to be around so it makes sense to her.
• I interviewed with the practice manager whom I had already met before haha.
• Seems to have the same vibe as the vet industry. That is to say, sometimes it’s slow, sometimes it’s fast paced, doesn’t pay well, but you are making a difference.
• There is some opportunity for advancement; they pay for you to become registered except for the exam fee. They also pay for all the classes for any follow up training if you want to get certified further.
• Interview mostly focused on like, how do you deal with stress, how do you deal with people being snippy. Which to me tells me that there can be stressful situations. She said it’s fairly rare, but they do have really busy times of the year where everyone is burnt out.
• This is a small town, so there’s only a few people working there. 2 at the front desk, 3 dental assistants, her (practice manager), and the dentist.
• She’s only been working there two years, she got promoted to practice manager in less than a year.
• She said that there isn’t a whole lot of turnover, and the people who do leave typically do so to continue schooling.
• She asked about my availability for a follow-up interview on Thursday because likely going to get an offer, just depends on whether or not I actually want to take it. I mean, it seems decent to me. Worst case scenario I go, oh my god, this is awful.
• I also set up a cleaning the day before hahaha. Unintentionally going to show them more on my attitude/behavior, but I just really needed to do it because it was overdue anyway.

Second interview tl;dr

• Was an MLM.
• Wasn’t even a particularly successful one, considering I already know a lot about the cruise industry.
• No other notes.

so, pretty successful day for job interviews, if you ask me.