My cat was kicking litter everywhere, so I had to buy him a top for his litter box. The rest of my discretionary spending has been on shitty mobile games and food. I guess that pretty much explains me as a person, aha. I've had an obscene amount of Starbucks which is precisely why I've gained a few pounds, but. I'm back to the gym and going to try to get into the habit of walking to and from work again every day.
elias worked close yesterday and open today so naturally i got barely any sleep. but i did manage to get the budget reorganized in a way that makes more sense. just going to take everything from the bank and get rid of the credit card nonsense because that's what got me into trouble in the first place.
almost forgot to write because i was thrown off my groove so much by having to bring breakfast. brought some fruit, donuts, and muffins. haven't been back up there to see how well they're going--don't really care that much honestly
the whole "mayo sushi" thing didn't help either--it wasn't even that enjoyable because it hurt my stomach. that plus the pecan pie is why i'm sure im up today--just need to eat clean today
which is going to be difficult considering i grabbed what i thought was a quest bar out of the box and someone shoved one of those shitty ThinkThin bars in there instead--my fault for not paying attention but still
i was here super early and already had stuff to do--it's only just now hitting 9 and i'm already several itineraries in--haha
I am currently in the process of finding another therapist. I found one yesterday that is close and low cost, but it is at a church and seems to be Christian oriented. I was told that they would not push the Christian thing, but Elias is worried that they will anyway. So I told this place to wait a little and see if Elias' therapist comes up with any list of therapist names in the next week or two, and if not, we will just try this place.
I wish that you, reading this letter, could come around now and tell me what decisions to make. I also wish I could tell past me to not bother with that therapist, though. Ah well. Can't change the past nor the future, so just trying to make the best decisions possible at the current moment.
Really need to look into the money situation, though. I am reliably spending $400 a month in fun money, so maybe I should just budget for that much and be realistic with myself? I'll try that for December and see what happens, if I can still afford it at that point. Might not be able to if therapy comes into the picture. We'll see.
im so tired & i don't really remember what went on yesterday so i'm basically useless. all i can say is MY ARM HURTS! i'm glad that i only have to take a tetanus shot every 10 years bc ahhhh
i got a halloween costume and it matches elias' costume and i'm really excited but also nervous!!! i haven't dressed up for halloween in FOREVER. i hope that the whole thing goes well? still haven't decided whether to rsvp for the manager mixer or not. that's gonna b a really busy weekend with the manager mixer + renfest + elias working sunday (?) so i'm not sure if i want to. esp since elias won't b able to come w me at all bc he is working.
also ugh i really hope i stop having nightmares! i keep waking up at 4am from them and last night it was about tim. i don't remember exactly what but i think we were in one of our old houses and he was being a douche as usual. why.
i had more to write but idk anymore. so byeeeeeeeee
therapy went fine. going to have to deal with Sem Month, i wish that she still didn't have such an affect on me. ah well. my thearpist wants me to write about my experiences and it's hard for me to do if i don't feel like i have an audience. maybe make a public blog? i am not certain. hmm. i'll think on it.
elias went to the ER on friday so i left work early. ended up having to pay $150 out of pocket for the ER charge
today i will get metformin. i hope that is doing something. i forgot to take my medication last night which is fun. i must have been really tired because set the alarm wrong (6:45 on a day that we have to work at 7 doesn't compute), stayed up too late, and didn't take my meds. oh well. i'll live without them for one day. working 7-2 today to go to the doc appointment at 2:30pm.
pcos was confirmed FINALLY. like i actually saw the results with my eyes, in front of me (even though the doc wasn't supposed to so now i have to act like i'm surprised whenever dr. joe contacts me and tells me it came back positive)
it's so dumb but i'm actually relieved? relieved that i have physical proof and relieved that it isn't something else mostly. now i can get on meds to manage it and hopefully move on with life. future self, are you on metformin and is it working well?? knowing my luck it causes me to spontaneously combust or something hahaha.
cooked some meatballs yesterday too, those were pretty bomb. a+ would cook again. probably going to try to cook the parmesan fries tonight (i almost wrote fires rip.)
i almost forgot to write this haha... i didn't write because i was sick yesterday... feeling a little guilty because i bought the computer... but hope that im getting a lot of use out of it... know it's probably a little sketchy sitting on the table like that... haha... maybe i should go to ikea...
having a gallbladder attack at work suuuuuuuuuux. also someone did my makeup this morning and it looks 10/10. well maybe 8/10 but not bad for someone who probz didn't know how to do it and watched a video.
yesterday night was ? ??? i don't remember it at all sry. but at least it's THE WEEKEND!!! or friday at least.
went to dave and busters last night and drank. not to excess, thankfully. starting to trust jacob a little more with that. however, he overate a bit (not much) last night and decided to do it on a night when we had to work 7-3. sigh. at least we're out of the parking garage.
therapy was hard yesterday. i don't actually remember it but i think it's getting easier?? idk. had sushi last night to sort of Treat Myself iirc. and i made breakfast this morning. this is noteworthy bc i don't think i'll realistically ever make breakfast again lmao it's time consuming but so good. i went to the gym at lunch yesterday which i might do again today?? not sure. i'm not really properly dressed but it's still so refreshing. except a wasp almost attacked me yesterday :( ew i get all tingly just thinking abt it.
i can blame the mother. she brought kids into this world, this fucked up world, and made it so much worse for us. she brought chaos into our household, she brought abuse and neglect and everything because of her own issues. she treated us like little adults who could take care of themselves, she cared only about herself. she lashed out at people too young to defend themselves. she hurt us beyond recognition.
i can blame the father. he tried his best in the beginning but then let us go to someone who hurt us. he knew intuitively that we were being hurt but he couldn't grow a spine, or get up off the couch. he couldn't do anything. he couldn't do anything until it was too late. he now refuses to take any responsibility in the situation and will likely die without much guilt.
but i can't help but think this is all our fault, all my fault. when i look in the mirror, i know it's really us to blame. all i see is this mangled reflection of broken hopes and dreams, a reflection of what could have been. i want to smash mirrors sometimes, i want to cut my knuckles open like we've only done once before and i want to see them battered and bruised just for the sake of it. but that's not going to take away everything we've done to others and everything we've done to ourselves.
how much are we like the mother and father? lashing out and letting our dysfunctions hurt and ruin the lives of people who aren't already dysfunctional. how many lives has our presence ruined? how many people were normal and fine until we came into their lives and caused the same whirlwind of storm and chaos that was brought upon us as a child? how do we learn to be more patient, more kind, and less willing to lash out at others? when do we learn to cut off the cycle and stop perpetuating this?
for most of us, the answer is never. when you look at the twists and turns of fate, you see that we will only keep pouring poison and acid on everything that we touch, corroding it down to the bone. maybe they can heal themselves afterwards. but they're always left with a chemical burn and the knowledge that we hurt them.
i just worry that we're in the same cycle with elias' system. they're not fragile like the others, but that doesn't mean we aren't poisoning them with our very presence. i am not sure. all i can hope is that when i meet my makers and they tally up the list of things that we've done to help and hurt people, the former side is better balanced. all i can hope is that our virtues outweigh our sins and whenever we are reborn, we are reborn into a life that isn't fated to hold so much pain and burden.
the struggles of this life will likely wipe away the possible struggles of the next so long as we do our best and continue with humility. still, it is tempting to end this one early and wipe the slate clean before any other negative things can happen.
however we'll keep existing, we'll keep surviving. that's all we know how to do. that's all we ever knew how to do. sometimes, i wish it wasn't.
going to the karaoke bar tonight. it's kind of expensive but always fun and worth the money. i like spending money on experiences and that's how i think of it as rather than just alcohol. i hate drinking at home personally
apparently afterwards i ordered pizza and tried to get online
saturday was the VTG convention.
from the mood app around noon: "played the cup game, ddr (and got picture taken), guitar hero, monopoly, deal or no deal, galaga, the light pushing game, broken wheel of forture, the trivia game. ate brisket...."
I am going to try to keep this thing updated. I doubt I will ever get a chance to do so, but.
I don't even know where to start. I'm working at a vacations agency in Houston, TX now as an Online Editorial Assistant. That's fancy-speak for "I do data entry/computer stuff/write for a living." It's the highest paying job I've ever had, and it's the most free income I've ever had as well. I'm well budgeted for the first time in my adult life, I'm living in my own apartment (with my partner) and life is good in general.
That being said, tackling trauma has been... a task. With the host finally knowing about the DID, it has been a tough thing in general. Trying to exhaust all options before the host starts getting into having to deal with the trauma, but. There is only so much I can do, truthfully.
I don't know if anyone will read this. The idea that someone might, though, is what keeps me writing. Even if it is friends only, aha. I would write more, but. I really need to put the body to rest to actually get some sleep for work tomorrow. Today has been quite a day, and I don't want to exhaust myself beyond what I'm already going to be as it is.
i'm leaving soon but i just wanted to write down my dream before i did
lars ulrich (drummer from metallica) and i were really good friends as preteens/teens. it showed a scene of how we met, which was basically my parents (who were together-- wtf?) left me on a dock somewhere and were like WE'LL COME BACK LATER TO GET YOU.
i must have seemed upset because i sat down on the side of the dock alone and looked out into the water and rested my hands in my lap. then little lars (he was my age) came up to me and sat down next to me. i think we were speaking danish? and he said "what's wrong?" and i explained that my parents left. so we talked for some time. for some reason, he asked if i went to bars around here (?? maybe because denmark has a young legal drinking age idefk) and i said no.
so anyway after that there were quick scenes of us becoming good friends and growing up together. then one day he said he had to go to america, and i was still in denmark so i couldn't go with him and for some reason my parents were never around and were poor so. he left, became famous, formed metallica, etc.
fast forward to years later, when i'm like 18 or 19. there were a bunch of girls in a room, and we were all sitting on a circular sofa. everyone was jabbering away. and then i looked up and there was like, a poster for what we were doing? it was a bachelorette type show to win lars ulrich's affections, i think. i don't know if we were supposed to be winning his platonic or romantic affections because for some reason in the entire dream it felt like he was gay, but everyone in the room was a woman.
i was sitting next to sem and holding her hand and it was pretty clear that we were together. a girl i knew from high school named ashley kept taunting me and calling me a slut/whore and finally i got fed up and looked over to her, readjusted myself, and said
"you're lucky."
and she asked why, and i responded
"i would tear you to intellectual shreds, but it would be a total waste of time. judging from your manner of carrying yourself and your uninspired, repetitive insults, someone already got to it before me."
then she shut up. and i think there was a girl who was known for mind reading/having esp because she came up to me with lots of beads and looked like a hippy and was like i CaN ReAd yOuR MiNd! and i responded
"no shit, i'm more open than oprah's legs after a bowl of non-fat ice cream" (???)
so anyway then lars walks in and everyone is just trying to get his affection by being like I HAVE SUCH AND SUCH INTERESTS like they studied him or something and were trying to copy him. it was clear that i didn't really want to be there, but for some reason i wanted to win the game?? probably just because i don't like losing. at the end he walked out and he gave me one last glance before shutting the door and letting everyone start yammering at each other again
i had another weird dream last night. i can't really remember a lot of it though. i remember my brother and i were in a gym, and we were trying to escape the house? i have a lot of dreams about trying to escape houses and stuff. it was like some sort of fun house, and we were just pretending to play along so we could find a chance to run away. that's all i remember, really.
i woke up at like 5am remembering it really clearly thinking "i should write this down before i forget!" but i didn't have a pen and paper next to my bed so i just went back to sleep.
2011-10-31 11:34 PM: Now to sleep after my 2 hours of free time. Being an adult sucks and no one understands.
2011-10-31 6:03 AM: I'm eating a lunchables the morning before I start my first serious job. The kid in me likes Lunchables, and the adult in me likes my job! I am such a balanced individual.
2011-10-27 2:15 PM: Job said they'd work around my schedule (I would just come in early on Mondays and Wednesdays). The happiness I am feeling right now is amazing
2011-10-25 12:30 AM: The EOA5 flash was sweet, especially the part where they fix the tank.
2011-10-21 11:45 PM: something in the system glitched and i still have all my userpics from the paid account trial. They're still all useable too
2011-10-19 1:43 PM: Sorry I've been kind of inactive on plurk lately! I promise I read all of your plurks. I don't mark them all as read, I go through and read each one.
2011-10-19 12:52 AM: Something I subtitled has over 400,000 views. my heart is goin doki doki
2011-10-15 12:37 AM: Ok my +24hour nosleepathon is over and I have woken up fully rested and "asshole Nate" as some people like to call it
2011-10-14 8:13 PM: i just fell asleep sitting up. i guess that's what happens when you literally dont sleep one day and just sorta stay up 24 hours. i was like perusing some site and i just fell asleep
2011-10-12 5:26 PM: Someone is sitting across from me IN PUBLIC, playing her laptop, with Bejewelled BLASTING. that really fucking necessary? You don't need to have your crappy ambient music and sound of jewels and magical fucking sprinklenoises cranked.
2011-10-12 3:03 PM: Just dropped $250 on clothes. I update my wardrobe about once a decade. NOW I FEEL SUPER GUILTY FOR BUYING STUFF.
2011-10-12 12:51 AM: 2 hours of sleep last night woot. Tumblr rp is too entertaining for its own good.
2011-10-11 8:51 PM: I feel like all my older friends are getting irritated at me for being a homestuck.
2011-10-11 1:29 AM: Sorry for being useless and whiny today. I'll try to keep my chin up.
2011-10-10 9:03 AM: new homestuck on the 25th...guess who's staying away from all social media until he's done watching?
2011-10-08 7:27 AM: I should really get on my homework tomorrow. :| There's all the pages in the world I need to read, and none of the time.
2011-10-07 7:25 PM: over 9000 tags to answer
2011-10-06 11:57 AM: I find it hard to believe that I frequent LJ now as often as I did a decade ago. I kind of find it hard to believe it's been a decade at all.
2011-10-03 8:17 PM: back from school
2011-10-03 3:09 PM: Thanks to everyone who took the time to cheer me up today. It really made a difference.
2011-10-03 12:52 AM: fuck yeah going to bed at a decent hour! night~ should be up and tagging around 10am my time
2011-10-02 7:04 PM: Food times
2011-10-02 4:24 PM: 70 pages of reading due tomorrow for one class and I haven't even started yet. Read ALL of the things??
2011-10-01 3:05 PM: 100 pages later... One part of my homework is done!
2011-09-30 8:20 PM: I regret putting off buying homestuck shirts. My size is fucking out of stock on all my favorite characters.
2011-09-30 6:12 AM: [Meridian] my friend just suggested I app Ursela from Little Mermaid
2011-09-29 6:19 PM: ugh the new MM members. no sara? i'm gonna choke a bitch
2011-09-28 3:02 PM: Only about fifteen days until my 3rd plurk birthday.
2011-09-28 1:11 PM: >mfw next HTML project due is tables
2011-09-28 7:52 AM: I awakennnn. Morning Musume new members are announced today sdlgklskgdkgc
2011-09-27 11:04 PM: I have my app done for Hannibal but now I'm reconsidering a little. Worried about being smart enough to play him, etc. Maybe I should just finish a bunch of apps and sit on it for a week and see which characters still stick out to me.
2011-09-26 11:25 AM: That feel when professor tries to be socially active but just fails. At least he's trying..muh.
2011-09-26 8:57 AM: Body could probably stand to sleep more than 3 hours a night. Oh well, I'm here now. Also tired nate is not give a fuck nate, which means all social anxiety is gone which is kinda nice
2011-09-25 12:10 PM: quick tag and then nap is becoming actual sleep. cannot live on only a few hours :9 Well maybe if I just got out of bed and got the blood flowing..
2011-09-24 4:03 PM: Ugh, so much for a "short nap". 7 hours later...
2011-09-24 8:33 AM: night guys. gonna set my alarm for early so i'm just taking a short nap
2011-09-24 2:59 AM: Okay so homestuck remix makin time. yay :9
2011-09-23 9:54 PM: Gamzee uses punctuation? This is totally new information to me
2011-09-23 10:17 AM: okay bedtime for real guys. nighty night! :9
2011-09-23 9:53 AM: Not in bed yet. working on a project yo! My dad just came in and asked if I was trying to break a record of awakeness. lmao.
2011-09-22 10:16 PM: apparently my girlfriend's building is on fire, fuck. I don't like seeing "brb fire" in my IM :| okay good it was a false alarm, whew
2011-09-22 10:13 PM: backkkkk. I know you all missed me.
2011-09-22 6:34 PM: dinnertime, be back soon :9
2011-09-21 2:46 PM: oh my god i am becoming a homestuck super fan. i should um. look at my life, look at my choices. I'm already far adrift from regular social norms though.
2011-09-19 11:56 PM: what does 'plurk' mean anyway. it sounds like someone trying way too hard to come up with a social networking name. that's probably what it was
2011-09-19 10:56 PM: i still don't know how this thing works well w-e
2011-09-19 03:50 AM: do people actually use this thing anymore jw
Out of all the people that have ever been in Morning Musume (not counting JunLin), Tsuji was the most useless. She was just dead weight: she wasn't really talented or cute and only seemed to get any attention because of Kago.
I think they should have put Matsuura Aya in Momusu rather than Fujimoto Miki. Miki never seemed to really enjoy her career in MM... I think she was spoiled by being a soloist first. Fujimoto always seemed to be an ungrateful brat to me, and even though she was one of the best singers MM ever had, she didn't ever show any signs of enjoying herself. Conversely, Matsuura seemed like she would have enjoyed herself a lot in Momusu.
Yossie has lost too much weight. When she first joined, I really liked her. But somewhere along the line, she got in her head that she was "fat", and lost so much weight that she looks like a skeleton. It saddens me to see Gaki going this route lately, too.
Why is everyone going crazy about Miyamoto Karin? She isn't that great.
I think that UFA should stop worrying about finding "Maki Goto Version 2" and start worrying about creating a well rounded group.
Maji Desu Ka Ska musically sucked, but had good line distribution. Only You musically rocked, but had shitty line distribution. Why does Tsunku seem to think that only Reina/Takahashi and MAYBE a little Riho (with a bone thrown to Gaki) can handle 'cool' songs?
I usually hate people who try to 'pair up'/make everyone in H!P lesbians. But statistically, there's a great likelihood that at least a few girls are lesbians... And it seems as if Sayu is. I don't know whether it's a new 'character' she's trying out, but she's been creeping on 9th gen (Riho in particular) ever since they joined... Honestly speaking, it seems a lot more realistic than most of the fabricated implied lesbian relationships in H!P (Matsuura and Fujimoto pops to mind).
I think UFA made a mistake in naming Dream Morning Musume. Would you rather watch ~*~*Dream*~*~ Morning Musume, or boring old vanilla REGULAR Morning Musume? I'm also kind of tired of UFA trying to cash in on nostalgia. But that's a whole different rant.
I didn't start REALLY paying attention to the kids until 2009. I've been a fan since 2002, so I watched as they joined... And were given horrible songs. The first time I noticed them was while watching a Pucchi Best dvd that had recently come out. It had 21ji made no Cinderella on it. I was bored to tears and automatically brushed off the rest of the kids until I started casually following them in 2007 when Tokaikko Junjou came out. I regret not paying attention to them earlier; I missed them growing up because I was too busy being a stubborn ~Morning Musume purist~.
Maki Goto couldn't even begin to grasp the intricacies of "Akai Nikkichou". When they did the shuffle special, it showed her struggling with the tenderness of the song at such a young age. She sang it poorly, and Tsunku chided her-- but the recorded version sounds no different than after he chided her! Proof that she only had the most lines because she was popular.
I feel like there is SO MUCH HATRED in the H!P fandom, and 80% of it is caused by the foreign teenage girls.
