(I realized this journal is disturbingly without updates, so I decided to throw something on here. For those not up to speed: my mother has left her abuser of 15 years. I'm 21. My father got me when I was 11~12. If you do the math, you'll figure out my brother and I had to live with him for quite awhile, too.

By the way, I don't enjoy talking about this. It wasn't a 'relief' to get it all out. In fact, it made me physically sick to dwell on it enough to write it. But, these things need to be said.)

I just had a nightmare where Steve and I were little kids, running from Grandma's house because of the terror that is Tim. No matter how much we ran, we just couldn't get away. I think that is a good metaphor for the living hell we were put through as children.

Children don't get to choose where they live. They don't get the choice of running away-- they have to do what their parents say. And what do you do when all your parent wants is to stay with the abusive, terrorizing asshole, with seemingly no care or abandon for her children? Absolutely *nothing*. You can't do anything; you're a child! You're trapped in this world.

I feel like that dream was reminding me that it's not over yet, at least for my mom. It has been over for me since around 2001 or 2002, when dad got custody of us. Thankfully, he didn't take mom's advice and just "forget about the kids". If we hadn't have had him being proactive and taking custody, the nightmare wouldn't have ended until we were old enough to escape. It would have been a mandatory sentence to stay another six years-- something that I, personally, could not have taken.

I harbor a lot of bitterness and anger for my mother for putting us through this. I know she was blinded by abuse and alcohol, but that is no excuse for putting your children through it. We were human beings, something I think she forgot along the line. Even though we were young back then, we were forced to grow up at a disturbingly young age. Even the psychologist said it in those papers-- "They need to learn how to be kids and let their guard down".

It's not surprising that the psychologist would say something like this. We always had our guard up, because it was impossible to not be guarded when we lived with a terrorist. This is a man who thought it was okay to beat our mother up in front of us. A man who is obviously mentally unwell, for whatever reason (I really don't care why, honestly.)

Let me briefly tell you about one little night in what Steve and I had to come up with. I remember it well: it was towards the end of the nightmare, because we were living in Riverside, at the house that was on top of the garage. Steve and I sat in absolute fear as the terrorist chased our mother around the house with a crowbar. Our mother had hidden his gun from him, underneath his car seat, and I believe he was trying to figure out where his gun was.

Does this scream 'normal' childhood to anyone? Probably not. But the answer from us as kids probably would have been 'yes'-- This was our reality. I don't know why I remembered this night in specific, because they were pretty much all like that. Our reality was waking up every day and escaping to school, and then coming back home to someone who terrorized for fun. Even if we tried to hide away in our rooms, he would come and find us. Whether it was to bang on bongos, or to drag us out to the living room to listen to the blasting music, or try to get us to drink at age 10 or 11... We never got a moment of peace.

Unless we were with our dad.

Our dad was the only moment of peace that we were afforded. We could go over to his house and just get away from it all. He would take us to the movies or let us play games without worry. We wouldn't have to worry about him getting drunk and wreaking havoc. We could just worry about being kids, and for a minute, we could just be kids.

But then it was all over: once the few days were over, and we had to go back to that household-- back to being adults trapped in the bodies of children, back to putting our guard up and trying to tune things out.

Every negative thing that I am today, that terrorizing has made me: neurotic, lack of coping skills for small things, easily bothered, self-conscious, withdrawn, anti-social, depressed. I cannot stand even the littlest of things bothering me. I think I used up my entire lifetime's worth of "patience" and "tolerance" quota when I lived with tim and mom. Now that I'm an adult, little things get to me a disturbing amount.

All of these things are not a natural state of mind for a person. There's no doubt in my mind that going through that mental abuse while I was a child crafted me into that sort of person.

My father has always been supportive of my brother and I. We are very lucky to have someone who cares as much as he does.

My mother? She might have been blinded by the alcohol and the abuse, but in my mind, that does not absolve her of all responsibility for her actions. She kept us children in a negative and abusive environment. Not only that, but she personally thought it was okay to tell me that it was my fault she was in jail, my fault for everything. When my father wasn't the punching bag, I was.

Why? It doesn't make any sense to me. I have no regrets; I would never do anything differently. Am I sorry for "getting her arrested" at Van Andel Arena? Fuck no! Am I sorry for the "stairs incident"? Hell. No.

I was finally old enough to view and realize the world around me was fucked up, and I was a child doing what I could to get myself and my brother out of a really bad situation. I only have praise for my childhood self; miraculously, I was strong enough to defend myself. To sit in court and testify-- at the age of 11-- against the terrorist who had been living in our house for more than five years at that point... That takes a lot of strength.

All of this comes back to my first point... Children cannot do anything to get themselves out of that sort of situation. No matter how strong, no one is going to take a child seriously without an adult by their side. They need help. I'm eternally indebted to my father for providing that help when we needed it. I'm also indebted to all the social workers who helped us out when we were in need. That kind of help is making me consider going into social work.

But to my mother? I think I'm going to need a little more time to heal. When I was younger, before my mom and dad split up, I used to call her "mama". In my mind, that person, "mama", isn't here anymore.

"Mama" didn't drink and did her best to raise her kids in as positive an environment as possible. "Mama" was still a young mother, untainted by the physical and mental abuse of that terrorist. But... That person hasn't been here since 1995. I'm not sure if that person will ever be back.

Will mom ever be "mama" again? Time has yet to tell.

My thoughts: The dance is a little boring/noob. The song is amazing as usual, and their outfits are really pretty. I don't like the cheesy overlayed crystal drops. Overall, it reminds me a lot of Hamasaki Ayumi's "JEWEL" pv. I like it a lot. I would like it even more if the dance didn't suck, haha~

It's released with a resounding yawn from me. I was interested for the first minute and a half or so, but admittedly, I tuned out after that. They're working the outfits, but the PV is very one-shot style; there's no variation. That's not unusual for H!P I guess. The song itself isn't bad. I don't think I'll be buying it, personally.

Excellent! Once again, she is showing off her amazing vocal skills. The PV is visually interesting, as opposed to the Berryz PV. I may or may not buy this, depending on my funds. I'd love for Maeda to make more music.

Yawwwnnn. Looks like another close up + dance shot mix PV. The outfits are very cute and the members are cute, as usual, but it feels like UFA has completely given up on giving berryz/momusu/c-ute good PVs. I'll still be buying the single seeing as I love the song, but it would be nice to see them put A LITTLE bit of effort in once and awhile. I remember how everyone in 2005 was bitching about how THE Manpower!!! was basically a dance shot, and now it's par for the course. Oh, how the times have changed.

Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen?

Lately, I've been using Linux. I haven't been using the noob versions either (Ubuntu, Mint). Actually, I've been using a version that is half noob, half not. It's called Crunchbang Linux. It's pretty much a Debian mod. I thought about installing Debian, but I wanted a faster distro for my laptop, so I installed Crunchbang instead.

It's really cool. I've been taking baby steps towards actually learning how to use Linux rather than just relying on a GUI interface to edit everything. What's cool about Crunchbang is that everything is customizable through basic code. I can customize the taskbar completely, whatever color I want, whatever borders, font, etc. The shell/launcher is where I open up all the programs, and that is fully customizable as well. As someone who loves customization, it's working out great.

It isn't all hand-holding and GUI though. There's also some terminal stuff that is required. I've never seriously used a terminal before I installed Crunchbang. It requires you to use the terminal to update or use a lot of Linux programs. The biggest hurdle I found was trying to install a gelbooru downloader (this one, if anyone's interested). It's entirely command-line based, which was new for me. Everyone has to start somewhere though. I used a guide to help me get it running and I felt really accomplished after I'd finished.

I only have two complaints

Besides those two issues, it works fine for what I use my laptop for-- browsing the internet, occasionally editing pictures, talking on IM, etc. I will never change my desktop from Windows 7 however. I need games on there!

TOO FAST. I can't handle there only being someone in the group for a few months and then announcing a new generation. I realize that Tsunku is trying rly hard to do a golden age of MM again, but... nope, can't do it.

I gotta stop paying attention to Morning Musume for a bit. I'm sorry. I'll still listen to their songs, but C-ute and Berryz Koubou (and to a lesser extent, s/mileage) are my new lovers.

It sounds really good. It sounds like we're going back to Reina/Ai fest bad ass sounding songs... Which is totally fine with me. It seems like Tsunku was like, "oh, Maji Desu ka Ska! sold like shit, so back to the same ol same ol!" I don't like that Riho has so many lines. She seems like she's being prepped to be Ai-chan version 2, which I really hate.

Oh well... I can deal with the line distribution so long as the songs sound good (which this one does.)

The wota are reporting that the line distribution for MM’s 46th single is as follows:

Which means Mizuki, Erina, and Kanon receive 0 solo lines, and Riho is the only 9th generation member with solos.

I love a chance to gloat, so... I was so fucking right!

(editor note: this linked to a page called "pushing riho" which isn't available on the wayback machine, but i assume i was talking about sayashi riho being pushed in MM)

Breaking news! Chisato was "fat". Um....Well, I guess it's not really breaking news, considering she wasn't even really fat.

I wish I was as "fat" as that.

The hairstyle is ugly, but still... I can't believe anyone would consider that fat. Apparently she's lost weight, but. I don't know. I don't think these girls should be subjected to pressure to stay underweight. It's just... weird, and the fans clearly don't care: Risako is arguably the most popular member of Berryz Koubou and most people consider her to be 'fat'. So...why the pressure? I don't get it.

In 2002, one of my friends at the time recommended Hamasaki Ayumi. Being young and impressionable, I took pretty much every music recommendation completely seriously and I started getting into this Hamasaki person. After that, I started entering stuff like "jpop" into the KaZaA search engine. I liked some of the stuff I downloaded, some people stayed one-hit-wonders in my mind (like Namie Amuro and her song Alarm--I love that song, but I never could get into Namie.) Some people I was really into at first, and then just sort of stopped (like Nami Tamaki; I watched her video 'Prayer' way too much to be healthy.)

From this random searching, I found BoA. After downloading some BoA songs, I realized I really liked the song Kimochi wa Tsutawaru. I proceeded to download every single file labeled with Kimochi wa Tsutawaru. I found a file called "BoA in elevator with Morning Musume". It was this video-- it had Kimochi wa Tsutawaru live at the end.

Since it was KagoTsuji, I thought it was the most adorable thing ever. I thought Morning Musume was just these two girls, so I searched for Morning Musume on KaZaA. I was surprised when the stuff downloaded, because it wasn't just two girls singing. I found Minimoni and I totally loved them too. I was more into Minimoni than Momusu at first, but gradually I got more interested in Momusu. I listened a lot to golden era Morning Musume, and I know a lot of the b-sides to the earlier singles because they were tagged with "Morning Musume" and I pretty much downloaded every MM song file I could find.

(I also remember having some Ayaka's English Lessons on my computer. I downloaded and watched the Kago ones over and over again. Kago was always my favorite member.)

Those were the dial-up days... So I really replayed the songs that I did manage to download (stuff like Happy Summer Wedding and Koi no Dance Site). When I finally got DSL in January of '05, that was when I started following them more seriously (because I had a DC++ hub full of friends with high def Musume stuff, and I could actually download it faster than one video every two weeks.) I remember THE Manpower!!! being the first high definition PV that I downloaded.

My fandom fades every now and again, but I always come back to H!P. I wonder why that is? Probably because of the music. It certainly isn't much because of the idols... I can't enjoy the full experience. I don't know Japanese well enough to watch every release that comes out (and understand it that well, that is). I'm starting to get more into the idols that actually sing the music, so if you ask me...

2002-2004: Casual listener
2005-2009: Listen for the music
2010-2011: Start to pay attention to the idols

Something like that.

"Only You" is MM's next single. I don't know what style it is, but judging from the outfit, it might be a ballad. There are other blog posts with images, too. As for what I want next in a MM single... well, a ballad would be nice. I wouldn't mind another cool type song, either.

I don't think the song is going to be Maji Desu Ka Ska style, judging by the outfits. But outfits have steered us wrong before. Remember the Aruiteru outfits? Those were about as least feel-good-ballad-y I could think. They seemed more like they were made for the b-side (Morning Curry).

The true life episode "I'm Passing As Someone I'm Not" is all sorts of transphobic. The first part of the episode is about a black woman who claims to be costa rican despite not having any costa rican blood whatsoever. She says she does it because being hispanic is "hip" where she lives.

However, the second part of the episode is about someone whose is transgender. Using the theme of the episode, you'd think it was talking about a cross dresser (someone who dressed as a woman despite not identifying as one as all).

However, at the beginning of the episode, Domaine says "I'm a woman trapped in a man's body". That would signify a transgender individual, right? But the entire episode, she says things like she's "deceiving people" and "you don't know the real me". That would suggest that she is just a crossdresser...? Since she is transgender, it's really offensive to say things like "I'm passing as someone i'm not" and "i'm not who you thought i am" the entire episode.

If she was just a crossdresser, it wouldn't be as much of an issue. The problem is, she identifies as a female yet she continues to use language like "I'm not who you thought I am" and "I'm a man".

In the episode, she says she's transgender. Domaine's question answers in this interview show her problematic way of thinking of things. Saying things like "Sooner or later, the world will find out about the real me." (emphasis mine) flat out says that the "real" her is a man. Usually, when one talks about their "real" self, they aren't necessarily talking about their body, they're talking about who they are to the core, especially in the transgender community. When she says "They'll find out about the real me," she's undermining all trans individuals everywhere that struggle to convince people that our gender is the *real* us.

I can understand being nervous about people finding out about having a penis. But the entire episode is filled with problematic language... When coming out, she says "I'm a man. I'm a transgender." The two of those are completely different concepts, and I don't think it's a good idea to make an episode about someone who is confused about terminology.

Also, whoever made that show is super-offensive-man by titling the episode "I'm Passing As Someone I'm Not".

I just want to rant about this piece of crap for a minute.

Go ahead, listen to it. Come back when you're done, I'll wait. ... Done? Okay. Here's my thoughts on it: BIG GIANT PIECE OF CRAP.

I think C-ute was going in the right direction when they released Kiss Me Aishiteru. Chisato gets the most lines... on a really poor song. It doesn't really matter whether she gets the most lines or not if I'm never going to listen to the damn song. I could understand Morning Musume going in this direction. Their average age just got a lot younger. But why is C-ute? Why? There is no particular reason. Their last two singles were their best selling singles, and all of a sudden, Tsunku is shooting himself in the foot again by releasing this ~upbeat genki~ crap.

He always fucking does this. Whenever there's a good single, he completely turns around after that and releases a big giant turd. I just don't understand why C-ute is being reverted back to Shochuu/La La La land? It's not like genki songs sell any better than cool songs...

Sales number comparison

Genki songs

Genki song average sales: 28,388
Cool/dance songs average sales: 28,189

They are practically the same, give or take a few hundred copies (which is normal margin of error, I think). I'll be honest, I thought the cool songs sold a lot more, so... I guess I proved to myself that it doesn't matter what style of song it is; it's probably going to sell the same (sadly enough)*

For the record: I have nothing against this style of song WHEN IT'S DONE WELL. Momoiro Sparkling is both generic and given to the wrong group. Giving a cutesy, upbeat song to C-ute not only undermines all the hard work they've done to be taken as the young women they are, but it also wastes away their dancing and singing talents.

Blah. Here's hoping Berryz' next single is 'cool' style so H!P isn't in a trifecta-of-crap song era.

Let's not repeat last summer, shall we, Tsunku? (Except for the Mano Eri thing. Go ahead and repeat that.)

Remember how I was ranting in the last post? I found the song that was supposed to be C-ute's.

It's the b-side to s/mileage's new single!

It's bad ass. What happened? What did C-ute do to get this awesome song taken away from them?

(I'm just joking. This song is awesome, though. Too bad it's the b-side.)

(editor note: i don't know what song this is talking about because the link was dead and too lazy to see what s/mileage was doing at this time period)

I feel like ranting because... yeah, whatever, I guess. I know everyone's under a lot of pressure, so it feels a little selfish to be complaining, but I'm doing it anyway. I had a couple places that I could have posted this... tumblr is too open and I don't trust my personal diary not to shit out on me and lose important entries. SO. It's going here.

This isn't going to have any coherence or even relatively good transitions. I'm just rambling; I'm not trying to write a paper for English.

I've been having nightmares like crazy lately. Stuff about my mom mostly, but sometimes it's about other stuff. I don't know why, but it drives me batty.

I've been sleeping... so much. Ten, eleven hours a day. It feels kind of like I'm just sort of floating by. Or life is just passing me by. For the past week, I've set my alarm for certain times... and I've woke up about thirty minutes before every time I set my alarm for. Then I'll roll over, and adjust my alarm for another hour. Because of this, I've been way oversleeping.

Life just... slowly passes me by. I find enjoyment in very few things. I wish I could enjoy more things. Everything costs money, though. And I'm not good at anything that wouldn't cost me money. I'd kill to be able to draw well, but it seems that I'm horrible at seeing something and copying it, so I can't learn anatomy well. Singing... just reminds me of my FAAB status. Not to mention any singing projects I'm in love to say "girls" and trigger the shit out of me. And I don't want to say anything, 'cause I don't want to be a burden.

I used to enjoy H!P and stuff like that... But now? I just sort of. I don't even know why I follow it. I don't, really. I check the Hello!Online twitter every so often. It's never news that interests me. It's always rambling on about -group I don't care about is releasing a new single- or -person I don't care about is releasing a new photobook-. Even if I did care as much as I used to, I can't fully participate in the H!P experience because I simply don't have money. I can't wota it up because I'm broke.

All I have is... pirated games and music? Wow. Way to be, you fucking loser. Can't even support your favorite artists or developers. And when you had money, you pissed it away on a computer instead of mental health or physical health or something important. Good going.

I feel like I'm depressed, and no one even knows. I do a pretty good job of hiding it most of the time, but I feel down a lot. Pretty much constantly. I feel happy sometimes, but most of the time it's just washed away in sadness. I'm starting to wonder if I bring it upon myself... Or if I'm just being over dramatic.

My dad always is quick to remind me that I'm over dramatic. Whenever I ever complain about something, he says I'm being over dramatic. Yet he tries to say that he's there to listen to me...? Yeah, right. I don't even want to know his reaction when he finds out I'm trans. OMG ATTENTION HORE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He's fucking horrible for even pretending to care about my problems. If he doesn't consider them to be problems, it's easier to just ridicule me.

Sometimes, I just want to cry. Sometimes, I just want people to listen to me cry and tell me that I'm not over reacting. And I do have a few friends that do that for me.

But I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this... It's not my friends/family's fault. I feel if I talked to anyone, they would just tell me I was being over dramatic. I'm always feeling like a burden, but especially lately. I feel like I'm just an annoyance in everyone's life... and talking about my problems would just be more of an annoyance. I know it's probably not true, but whenever I talk to someone, I can practically feel their annoyance with me. Like, I'm just wasting their time. I wouldn't blame anyone if they felt that way, but constantly feeling like this is seriously taking a drain on me. I don't like even asking people questions because I feel like I'm wasting their time.

But when was the last time I had a hug? I can't even remember. Maybe six months ago, when I was moving out from my dad's at first?

I'm so flaky. I can't ever choose one thing or the other. I always do things for a little bit of time, and then I move on to something else. I couldn't even hold a job down for a month. And then I moved in with Amanda for a month, then I came back. I get interested in things and then I quickly lose interest. I'm jealous of people who can have interests for more than a month or two.

What makes me feel the worst is complaining about money problems-- especially when I know people have it worse. Just... It's about to get a lot worse now that Amanda doesn't have food stamps. That's all there is to it. This stupid fucking horrible country. I fucking hate it.

I feel so worthless right now. I have for the past few months. I feel like I'm tipping over the edge of desperation, and I don't even know why. I don't even have it that bad. I have friends and family that love me, a steady home, and I'm working on bettering myself in college. So why do I feel so helpless and useless? I don't want to sound emo-- well, you know what. Fuck it. This is my journal, and whoever doesn't like it can bite me. I'm just going to write what I want.

I feel like self-reflection brings a tidal wave of guilt and unhappiness. I realize how fucking useless I am, and how god damn insignificant my life is-- and it fucking sucks. I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is offering to help me out of this incoming tsunami of self-hatred and depression.

And it's not even their fault. My friends and family don't even know. I won't let them help me. When I was a child, I had to do everything for myself. I'm so used to doing everything for myself, I don't like seeking help. I always chant to myself, "I'll be okay. I'll be fine. It's not a big deal." It's like a fucking ritual with me. It's like I have too much pride to admit "I might not be fine. This might not be okay. The quality of my life is hurting and upsetting me."

I have trouble admitting when something is a big deal. I don't know why. If it's something someone did to me, it's probably because I don't want them to feel bad about it. If it's something that just happened, I don't want people to tell me I'm over reacting.

Maybe it's because I was always praised for being so mature when I was a kid. When I refused to get in the car when my mother was drunk (which consequently led to her arrest), people around me told me, "Wow. You are so mature." And a lot of people who knew what my childhood was like tell me that I am really strong and mature for not having anything wrong with me.

ALL THEY ARE DOING IS VALIDATING MY CHOICE TO HIDE MY MENTAL PROBLEMS. And I write this, and I know it's wrong to try to hide them. But somewhere, there's a disconnect. I blame it on lack of money, but when I had money, I didn't get help. Why? Maybe I like people thinking I'm strong. I'm just a weak, weak person that crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure. I don't want people to know that.

I think my hypersensitivity to things that some people can take (like the music blasting next door...) is actually because I'm depressed and hypersensitive.

I'm not even a little independent. And that is killing me, too. All I can do is drive by myself. Big fucking deal. I'm still sucking from my dad's paycheck for gas money. I'm still a fucking child, that's all I am.

I don't want to take these things out on the people around me. I feel that sometimes, I do. I don't want to. I just wish I knew exactly what was wrong.

I'm a negative, horrible person. I'm bossy and I'm bitchy. I'm nitpicky. I'm quick to tell someone to do something, but slow to do it myself. Which also makes me a hypocrite. I can practically feel people avoiding me so they don't get sucked into my vortex of negativity and depression. "No one wants to be around a negative person!" (Thanks for that complex, Supervision class.)

I just want to cry. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need help. Please, someone help me.

She looks so much more fabulous like this. My god. I am so jealousss. I wish she would have had this hair throughout all of her time in H!P!

Happy birthday, Risako! Well, her birthday was technically yesterday, but. I never will pass up an opportunity to put a nice picture of her on here! She's looking very natural and pretty here, and I love this image~ So happy birthday! Enjoy it <3

(editor note: picture lost to time)

So Uh. The livejournal app for iPod touch is pretty solid. I'm not sure why it has such poor reviews in the app store. I guess because it's like a basic note screen? I'll have to go read the reviews after this to see what people are complaining about.

Though knowing lj I'm surprised there aren't any ads on this.

Oh and just so this entry has a little substance: I finished my excel/access/word torture classes today. Now whether I passed or not... I don't know. The grading system is mysterious and since I have only seen the teacher's many teaching aids, I'm not entirely sure he even exists.

It's gonna suck going back to school though. Especially when my first class is with a horrible teacher that manages to make me hate something that, under normal circumstances, I love. :c

I should check LJ more often. Still doing new years survey thingie. BECAUSE I WANT TO. JEEZ

Name: Nathaniel
Screen name: vanillainfused/magneticdeath
Current location: Watervliet, Michigan
Birth date: 18 June 1990
Sign: Gemini [fuck yeah twins]

Where did you ring in the New Year? Home
Who were you with? Think it was just me in 2010
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? ;_; no
Did you make any resolutions? No
If so did you keep them? lol

Single/Taken? Taken~
How many relationships did you have? Just the one
How many break ups? None
How many people did you kiss? None

Did you meet any new friends this year? Not really
Did any of your friendships end? They come and go
Did you dislike anyone? Yep
Did you get into any fights? Yeah
Did you make any new enemies? Dunno, probably not
Did you resolve any fights? Short-term ones
Who was your closest friend? Without a doubt it was/is Julie

Did you have a Valentine? See above question
Did the Easter bunny visit you? Dad is the easter bunny and he brings Easter chocolate cheer
Did watch fireworks on the 4th of July? No
Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, Hannibal. Lazy costume though, just the mask
What did you do for Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing
Did you receive what you wanted? Didn't really want much haha
Were you good this holiday season? I've been a very naughty boy~ (lol)

How old did you turn? 20
Did you have a cake? No
What did you do for your birthday? Went out to eat
Did you have a party? No
Did you get any presents? Couple :D

Funniest Memory? I can't single one out...
Saddest Memory? Dunno if I've had something bad enough to say 'saddest'. Not like anyone died, right
Most Embarrassing Memory? I hardly get embarrassed anymore lol
Best Accomplishment? Beginning college (does that count), getting myself unafraid of driving, honors GPA

Favorite TV shows? The Office
Favorite songs? Master of Puppets by Metallica (same old same old)
Favorite bands? Metallica, anything H!P
Favorite food? Lasagna. 2010 was year of the lasagna. <3
Favorite stores? I don't shop that much
Favorite restaurants? Any really
Favorite piece of clothing? Bad ass t-shirts (vidya gaems, Metallica)

Did you change at all this year? Yes
Did you dye your hair? Highlights
Did you get your hair cut? Yes (need a new one too)
Did you change your style? Yes
Were you in school? Yes
Did you have a job? For like two seconds
Did you drive? Yes!! And it's a huge accomplishment that I finally am not afraid anymore
Did you own a car? Yes, 1994 Mitsubishi Galant (Maroon)
Did you lose anyone this year? No
Did anyone close to you give birth? No
Did you move at all? No
Did you go on any vacations? Lol yeah right
Did you leave the country at all? No
Would you change anything about yourself now? Not really

Was 2010 a good year? Yes
Do you have any regrets? I think I did some stupid things, however, I don't regret because it's best to focus on the future rather than on the past
Did 2010 bring any new insights? Some...
Do you think 2011 will top 2010? Probably not, lol. Wake me up when 2012 rolls around~
Do you have any goals for 2011? Get an iPod touch (lol). Also cram as many classes as I can into each semester so I can get school done and over with
If you could relive any moment which would you choose? Don't really have a particular one
If you could forget any moment what would it be? Quite a few. Depression, arguments, etc.
Do you wish 2010 wouldn't end? No. Then I would *never* graduate
Do you plan to do anything special for NYE 2010? Oops. Didn't do anything anyway, lol

1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
-College
-Bought *my own* car
-Moved out of my dad's (even though it only lasted like a month)
-Turned into not-a-teenager!
-Gambled at the casino
-Wore a binder
-Probably lots more, I just don't remember

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No and no. I don't need the new year to have goals~

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
I'm going to have to ask your lazy ass to scroll up and read my previous answer.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
lol u funny

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A dick. (Wishful thinking, yo)

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I'm not a good 'dates' person

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Scroll up and read somewhere up there

9. What was your biggest failure?
Quitting my job. (but it led to college, so. not that bad)
Also being a jackass to Julie. Sorry bb

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My pool injury! Haha (a little cut i got playing pool). Nothing serious though

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Probably my car. It's been the most useful at least.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Julie - Graduating HS and joining college
My dad - Got a job
Amanda - Switched her degree into something she will actually enjoy
Steve - Got a job (though he doesn't have one now)
There's probably more, just don't remember

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Too many to list

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
New MM members, getting lots of money in October 2010

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
4minute - HUH (the song Amanda was playing when 2010 ended)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened? happier- i'm actually doing something for my future (college)
ii. thinner or fatter? feel thinner, but in reality, the same
iii. richer or poorer? probably poorer because i'm actually in debt now. lol

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Having actual fun and not wasting time (but most of the time that requires money)

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Arguing. And studying (turns out I didn't need it)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I never really celebrate Christmas

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
You're like, 2 years late, survey

23. Any one-night stands?
Haha no

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office (again.)

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Me, read books? u funnie

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Korean pop

28. What did you want and get?
Money lol

29. What did you want and not get?
flag in my arms hngggh

30. Favorite film of this year?
Saw too many to pick

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
20, went out to eat (already answered this too)

32. What kind of things would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More money

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Lazy (as usual)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Koharu Kusumi, maybe. (you are missed from MM ;~;)

36. What political issues stirred you the most?
A bunch. Politics generally irritates me because people are stupid

37. Who do you miss?
Steve (actually seeing him rather than talking to him online)

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I don't meet new people rly

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes you don't always know what you want, but everything will work out in the end

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
(lol)

so I'm not dead! Actually just had a birthday a few days ago. Had a month-long stay at Amanda's, moving back. Enrolled in college. Actually, that's a lot of new information. I really need to update this thing more properly when I have the time. D:

i haven't updated this in a year, i know. it doesn't matter though. it's a private journal and i can update it when i want.

i quit my job at wal-mart and will be going to college at kvcc. this is a new journey for me. it's something i feel i have to do, even though people might not understand it.

i think i'll enjoy my new freedom. a lip piercing, maybe a tattoo. and i'll be able to see flag in the winter time. that will be absolutely amazing and make everything worth it. even though i'll be in debt, i don't even care. it's worth it.

I woke up today to this PM:

"If you're receiving this message, I regret to say that you did not pass the auditions for Generation 5 of Hana Project.

It was a very difficult decision in the end, and even more than with Round 1 we had to nitpick like crazy to come up with our final nine Gen 5 members. Some of you getting this PM are absolutely fantastic vocalists, and I don't want you to think for a second that we didn't choose you because we don't recognize your vocal ability. When I said that the auditions are 10% vocals and 90% everything else, it was truer than ever this time around. We had to narrow it down in the end to the girls who we felt this time fit the best with us in all respects.

It was very close and I sincerely hope that all of you will audition next time around. You made a huge accomplishment getting to Round 2 in the first place, and if you got there, we feel very strongly about your voice already.

Feel free to hang around the forums for as long as you like. Coming to know all of you has been awesome and we'd hate to lose touch.

Good luck to everyone for next time, and thank you for auditioning!

` Sayuri"

I didn't get into HanaProject. Which means I pretty much just wasted two months kissing ass. Yes, I was kissing ass. I didn't say ANYTHING negative to the leader. Every dub was commented with "omg this is awesome! so good desu!" even though, for the most part, I heard lots of flaws in everything. And I'm a bitch. Trust me, it pains me to be completely nice 100% of the time for 2 whole months.

I was probably put through to the second round to avoid drama, in fact. I know for a fact that there was another auditioner that was put through to avoid drama, so I could see that happening with me too. But if that was the case, why bother? If they didn't want me, then they shouldn't have let me in to round 2. I could have not done an interview and not done lines, then.

You know what's fucked up? HALF of the people in round 2 got in. Yup. 9 people. The difference between me and the other people who didn't get in? THEY DIDN'T WASTE TWO FUCKING MONTHS KISSING ASS.

I want to know why I didn't get in, but I'm not going to ask. Considering I got past the first round, it was either the fact that they didn't like my voice, or they didn't like my interview. I'm pretty sure I answered the interview questions 'correctly', or as correctly as I could have. Apparently my personality wasn't 'up to snuff' enough for them, so.

I dunno. I guess I'm just butthurt because I was confident I'd get let in. This is just another disappointment. I didn't get the job, I didn't get the part in HanaProject, etc. Life is pretty much disappointment after disappointment for me; I should just start getting used to it.

In other news, a completely random blogger reviewed a few of my dubs: MY BOY and Pira! Otome no Negai. Pretty strange. She was nice, but it's not enough to make me feel better.

I really hate how people say that if you download an album and don't buy it, you're "stealing profits" from the record company. Or, more accurately, they point the finger and yell "THIEF!"

In order to steal something, it has to be a commodity. If I went into Best Buy and stole an iPod, I would be robbing them out of $300 profits. I'd be stealing from them. But mp3s are not stealing because they are not a commodity. Mp3s can be replicated however many times. It's sharing, not stealing.

Then RIAA or whatever tries to say they stole "potential profit". Wtf? The record companies assume that 1 illegal download = 1 lost sale. But that's not necessarily true. How many times have people downloaded music and absolutely hated it? I know I have. I'm not going to run out and buy an album that I hate. Just because someone downloads something doesn't necessarily mean they would have bought it if the internet wasn't around. The "potential profit" argument is bullshit.

I do agree that, morally, if you have the money and listen to the album often, you should buy it. I would buy all the albums I listen to often if I actually had ANY spare money, and actually plan on doing so once I get a job. Dad's like "why would you do that? you have them on the computer." but I really want to support the artist, plus I like having the physical CD.

I just don't think that we should be buying CDs we haven't even tried. Why would you run out and buy a CD if you'd never heard the tracks? What if it totally sucks? That doesn't seem like a good way to spend money. Not to mention, buying a crappy CD is encouraging the people who make the music to make more like that, at least in the case of UFA and other profit-hungry organizations.

And honestly? H!P fans are screaming "Buy the album! Support MoMusu!", but honestly? It's very, very mediocre to me. I'm not going to spend hard earned money on an album that doesn't absolutely captivate me.

Guess I'm just a con artist.